01/ 05/03... 1:04 AM... nevermind can't sleep for some reason... got myself thinking on things i wish i could forget... actually i don't know if i really wanna forget it... i mean how do you decide which is given more weight, past experiences with someone, or more current ones? should someone's recnet actions, well i suppose relatively recent actions overshadow any joy that you felt earlier because of them? i wish i had the balls to outright ask exactly what the hell happened, but being direct and forthright (is that even the word i am trying to use?) hasn't worked so well... well i guess it just didnt work so well in some situations... fuck. probably should move past it... but i think i hold on to things for long times... although on the surface u'll never know... guess i'm kinda expected to be the one to always have the smile going... fuck... ok sleep is a-knocking.... i think nyquil does work... but only if you're semi-sick :-p... g'night all once again... tomoroww i'll regail myself with the hallucinations and insanity my mind likes to wander into when i get sick....
01/05/03... 12:40 am... so being sick sucks... picture this fucking shit... snot from one's nose running down your throat and making your stomach vomit... that's how i got to spend thursday and friday... jeebus... i think it's the HIGHER POWER's punishment for my new year's resolutions... anyways so yeah... i basically accomplished nothing productive over the last couple days... one thing though htat makes you realize that however much problems u might have with your parents, they will be there for you when your are sick... hard to balance some feelings some times... speaking of feelings... it's funny when you read something that someone writes and what they say is exactly what you felt about them at one point... maybe still now... sadness to the relationships changed i suppose :(... acutally more than sadness... ever have the situation where you completely overestimated the value that you've placed in a relationship? i'm not talking about girlfriend/boyfriend shit, but plain old, but something i put great importance in, friendship? i cant even call it really over estimating either, cuz i honestly believed in what was, apparantly the belief wasn't both ways... hurts sometimes to think about it... anyways watched ridiculous amounts of television... although i think i was in a haze for most of it... can't remember too much... i got real sick of toast... tonight actually left the house for the first time this new year... ended up at bishamon with some friends... just what i needed to get my mind off work... speaking of which first time ever i've called in sick... felt really bad doing it too :(... but i doubt i coulda focused this morning... hopefully tomorrow will go smoothely... but yes... tonight was sorely needed... Amakasus, you both honestly deserve much from all of us... many thanks to ren as well, for giving me the call tonight... good to see big sis , even if for a little bit... so far so good on the resolution :-p... anyways work tomorrow so i should head off to bed... g'night...

01/02/03.... 2:45 am... woah my first usage of "03"... i'm really really glad i'm no longer in elementary/hs where it was necessary to write the date on all pieces of paper... i'd go through the freakin entire month of january messing up the year... so new year... and so far nothing too new at all :(... i really need to make some changes in life... even made a couple of semi-resolutions.... we'll see how those go... ask me tomorrow haha.. and oh my god a runny nose is sooo annoying... i think i've leaked like a gallon of snot this evening.... hahah isnt that a beautiful thought? lessee did new years with the oldschool shire people... that's right for all you younger folks... the originals hahaha... was pretty cool though although my sobriety level was ridiculously in effect for some reason... alhtough i did get home at a decent time :)... today got to sleep in til 2... unheard of... i was soo freakign surprised that my parents hadn't woken me up... but hten i heard that my dad dindt get up til noon so it was all good haha... put my mom's new iron to use... tomorrow's goal is to actually Hang up all the clothes i took care of today... although ithink i may be sitting on some stuff that may need to reironed... ahh the never ending spiral of ironing... it's kinda like making one's bed.... no matter how many time su make it look nice it's just gonna get all messy and wrinkled again... oh yeah had a conversation about cloning tonight... those crazy railiens :-p i dunno about their baby eve... but who knows ahah... ok ok yawns have begun i've stayed awake for 13 hours now... hehe... g'night all

 

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